Racing Thoughts and Sleepless Nights
Its 2:46 a.m. now and I've been awake since 1:07 a.m. and I'm not returning to sleep any time soon, I can tell. Its called racing thoughts and I've had the problem for years. For years I did nothing about it except stare at the ceiling, rolling over in the bed every fifteen minutes, with one thought, with another thought.
When I was younger, I would pretend that I was the President of the United States and solve the problems of the world; somehow that fantasy trip would lure me away from the realities of my quotidian life far enough that I would fall asleep.
Then the fantasy of saving the world stopped working; or perhaps my solutions to save the world weren't good enough and I over-analyzed my own limited domestic and foreign policies. Whatever the reason, I would lose hours and hours of sleep, every night. Usually the pattern was to crawl to bed around 10, then wake at 1, stay awake till 4 or 5, somehow fall asleep, but only to wake up with the alarm at 5:45 to get ready for the day. Though I know naps are recommended against insomnia, I had to nap in the afternoons or die.
Tonight my racing thoughts took me from work and writing two chapters and conversations about Native American creation myths and the child immigration crisis at the Texas/Arizona border and an important friend who is there now trying to create a small piece of civilization for them while they otherwise are herded like the cattle on my grandmothers farm, separate from each other, having been unfortunate enough to be born in third world countries of crime and poverty, and doubly unfortunate to be caught by ICE an kept in these inhumane conditions while POTUS ignores the humanity of it all and lets the system do its thing by doing its thing. I think about the boys and men and girls and women huddled on the floor, knowing that they will be returned to their home country in days after being "processed" and returned to their poverty and crime. POTUS's solutions to the world's problems would not be my solution. My thoughts then race to cycling and which areas of Houston are best for sitting and talking with friends without being surrounded by drunks or the pretentious and then back again to work and everything I have to do there.
Months ago I actually went to a sleep specialist for testing. I arrived at 9:00 pm to this facility that made the experience appear like checking into a nice hotel room -- nice raise bed, television, some chairs, too many pillows, etc. I was told to change into my pajamas (who wears pajamas any more?) and then the technician came in and hooked -- I swear -- at least a dozen monitoring wires to my head and chest and arms and belly and legs; somewhere there's a photograph I took of all these wires coming out of my head -- how I was I reasonably meant to sleep like this? Well, obviously it didn't work, and the knowledge that I was being monitored by regular camera, infrared camera, and voice recording didn't help my racing thoughts either. The technician came in twice through the night, asking me what was wrong; why I wasn't sleeping. "That's the problem," I replied -- "that's why I'm here -- I can't sleep."
I slept about an hour that night. When 6:00 came around and the technician came to take the wires off my head and body, I had the distinct impression he was disappointed in me. Ok, so I deal with some gilt issues a well. The insurance company called me that day and told me there was no reason to return to the sleep clinic the next night for testing, since I hadn't provided enough data for one night and they refused to pay for another. The whole bill for that one night in that little faux-hotel room was over $1700.
Some meds later, I started to sleep again. But now those won't work all the time and tonight is one of those nights when the won't work. Of course exercise helps, but when one has umpteen papers to grade in a summer term, I don't have time for gym work every day (gym partners guilt trips not withstanding),
Besides. The world needs me. Who else is going to solve all its problems?
https://plus.google.com/u/0/+BruceJMartin Twitter @comstone
When I was younger, I would pretend that I was the President of the United States and solve the problems of the world; somehow that fantasy trip would lure me away from the realities of my quotidian life far enough that I would fall asleep.
Then the fantasy of saving the world stopped working; or perhaps my solutions to save the world weren't good enough and I over-analyzed my own limited domestic and foreign policies. Whatever the reason, I would lose hours and hours of sleep, every night. Usually the pattern was to crawl to bed around 10, then wake at 1, stay awake till 4 or 5, somehow fall asleep, but only to wake up with the alarm at 5:45 to get ready for the day. Though I know naps are recommended against insomnia, I had to nap in the afternoons or die.
Tonight my racing thoughts took me from work and writing two chapters and conversations about Native American creation myths and the child immigration crisis at the Texas/Arizona border and an important friend who is there now trying to create a small piece of civilization for them while they otherwise are herded like the cattle on my grandmothers farm, separate from each other, having been unfortunate enough to be born in third world countries of crime and poverty, and doubly unfortunate to be caught by ICE an kept in these inhumane conditions while POTUS ignores the humanity of it all and lets the system do its thing by doing its thing. I think about the boys and men and girls and women huddled on the floor, knowing that they will be returned to their home country in days after being "processed" and returned to their poverty and crime. POTUS's solutions to the world's problems would not be my solution. My thoughts then race to cycling and which areas of Houston are best for sitting and talking with friends without being surrounded by drunks or the pretentious and then back again to work and everything I have to do there.
Months ago I actually went to a sleep specialist for testing. I arrived at 9:00 pm to this facility that made the experience appear like checking into a nice hotel room -- nice raise bed, television, some chairs, too many pillows, etc. I was told to change into my pajamas (who wears pajamas any more?) and then the technician came in and hooked -- I swear -- at least a dozen monitoring wires to my head and chest and arms and belly and legs; somewhere there's a photograph I took of all these wires coming out of my head -- how I was I reasonably meant to sleep like this? Well, obviously it didn't work, and the knowledge that I was being monitored by regular camera, infrared camera, and voice recording didn't help my racing thoughts either. The technician came in twice through the night, asking me what was wrong; why I wasn't sleeping. "That's the problem," I replied -- "that's why I'm here -- I can't sleep."
I slept about an hour that night. When 6:00 came around and the technician came to take the wires off my head and body, I had the distinct impression he was disappointed in me. Ok, so I deal with some gilt issues a well. The insurance company called me that day and told me there was no reason to return to the sleep clinic the next night for testing, since I hadn't provided enough data for one night and they refused to pay for another. The whole bill for that one night in that little faux-hotel room was over $1700.
Some meds later, I started to sleep again. But now those won't work all the time and tonight is one of those nights when the won't work. Of course exercise helps, but when one has umpteen papers to grade in a summer term, I don't have time for gym work every day (gym partners guilt trips not withstanding),
Besides. The world needs me. Who else is going to solve all its problems?
https://plus.google.com/u/0/+BruceJMartin Twitter @comstone
